Monday, May 10, 2010

Suggestions for Success

Mr. Leonsis,

Now that you own the Verizon Center, large rats Wizards and Mystics to go along with the Capitals, I have a few suggestions that may aid in the transition from 'Successful NHL Owner' to 'His Highness, King of DC'.

-Always make sure the ice is in great shape. If this means keeping the arena 2 degrees cooler during basketball games, please make it happen.

-Change the Wizards name back to the Bullets, or at least restore the Red, White and Blue color scheme. Do this for the Mystics too. Purple and gold are so late 1990s; it reminds me of high school. It’s like purple and light blue, or teal and black… it looks dated (sorry San Jose, it is), like an old Starter jacket.

-I know it’s an expense that isn’t really necessary, but please rip out all the purple seats and replace them with bright red ones. Make it so The Phone Booth Rocks the Red, even when its empty.

-In 41 home games, section 412 was only visited one time by Red Rockers/Slapshot/Section Roulette. Just saying.

-I hear you already took down the Mystics ‘Attendance Champions’ banners. Thank you. They were sad. They made me cry.

-If you have any say in the matter, can you have CSN drop Laughlin’s voice an octave or two through some sort of filter? The high-pitched, nasal whine drives my dog nuts 41 times a year plus road playoff games.

-Please don’t try any ‘cross-sport merchandising’. If I see a Wizards/Mystics hockey jersey or a Caps basketball jersey anywhere in the arena, I might scream.

-Oh, and I know Ovechkin is Russian, but selling Caps jerseys with the Cyrillic name on the back is bad form. It’s like selling a #21 jersey in women’s sizes with ‘SEXY’ on the back. Sell what the players wear on the ice.

-The sound guy in charge of music clearly has a mullet and/or an AC/DC shirt. Every other arena plays music that is relevant to today to pump up the crowd. We play Motorhead, Metallica, System of a Down (noticing a trend), Blink 182, Blur, etc. Other teams play Arcade Fire, Weezer, Green Day, Jay Z, Gorillaz, Snow Patrol and Radiohead. 1992 Heavy Metal appeals to Middle School Me, and not many others. Including Now Me.

-I know he hasn’t been retired for long, but expediting Olaf Kolzig’s number retirement (and in my opinion, Peter Bondra’s and Calle Johansson’s as well) would be a good thing.

-Find the paperwork for letting Scott Stevens walk away via free agency and burn it in a ceremony at center ice. Clearly, this is where the ‘Caps Curse’ originated, and it should be disposed of. I know it was long before your time, but it needs to be done by someone.

-My wife would kill me if I didn’t ask for a healthy options concession stand on the 400 level. Us lowly common folk like slightly healthy food too.

-We’d also like good beer up there. That suggestion is all mine.

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