Thursday, July 8, 2010

Jeff "Snarl" Schultz

A lot has been written about the Caps "less than intimidating blueline" this off-season, with George McPhee's clear intention to stay pat with the 7 defensemen under contract.

With the re-signing of Jeff Schultz, who is quite possibly the most 'love him or hate him' Caps blueliner, the conversation has been elevated. Schultz has become the whipping boy for haters, as his lack of physicality doesn't seem to fit with his sizeable frame.

That being said, I have some suggestions for Jeff, to help make him meaner this coming season. With his new spiffy contract, he can afford it.

1. Weight. Add some. At 6'6" and only 220 lbs, Jeff is a bit of a bean pole. Wait. Chris Pronger is 6'6" and 220 lbs? WTF!? That makes no sense...
2. Get rid of the visor. No one takes visored defensemen seriously. Just ask Don Cherry.
3. Vampire teeth. With Twilight being so popular, I'm sure obtaining a pair would be relatively easy, and would make Jeff look THAT MUCH scarier. Or teenage girls would swoon for him. Either way, he's distracting Sidney Crosby.
4. A good story. Someone needs to start talking about the time Jeff wrestled a rabid Grizzly.
5. A number change. Say, to #2. Everytime people see '55' they want to boo or whoop or something. Now #2, you think Scott Stevens. And you'd NEVER whoop Scott Stevens.
6. Red contacts. Badass. With the previously mentioned vampire teeth, even more so:

7. Roughing penalties. Jeff has 97 PIM is his career. Pronger had more than that his rookie season.
8. A full slap shot. Everyone read about his 'half slap shot' and thought "wow, what a pansy". Man up Jeff. Full slap shot.
9. A new nickname. I like 'Snarl'. 'Sarge' just doesn't cut it.
10. Ask Brett Leonhardt for tips. Stretch is super tall too, and he manages 'badass' just fine.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for turning Schultzy into Edward Cullen. Sexy.